Pokemon Rarities

Now that I have a bit more free time in my day, I've had an eminent urge to write some Pokemon epics throughout the weeks. However, without any real prose training I'll settle for updating my blog.

It's Christmas time in the real world, which I think means its like... mochi mochi ice cream desu day in Pokemon or something. So if you have some fanatics on your list, let me let you in on a few items to throw their way...

1. Pokemon Badges. For my little brother's birthday, which is around Christmas, I got him a set of crocheted (not actually, but I don't know what the technique is called) badges. They are impeccably hand-made from the crafter HardcoreEskimoKisses on Etsy. I couldn't be more happy with how amazing these look. She only made one run of each, and they are pretty much all gone by now, but maybe you can bug her to make you some more.

2. This shirt. Actually, it's mine. One of my many rare Pokemon finds in the fields of Kanto. In the Union Cave I had a battle with Pokemaniac Larry with a lot on the line. After a quick 1-2 Punch from a Hitmonchan, his Slowpoke had to throw in the towel. When asked for my monetary reward the fanatic pulled out pockets that consisted of puffin crumbs. I settled for this rare shirt of the second evolution of the first generation starters. Wartortle is obviously the coolest. Oh yeah, you can't have this shirt. Look on ebay or something, but it's probably like a billion gold. 

3. Pokemon Rumble Blast. This game looks amazing, and chances are your significant other, or significant brother, is getting a 3DS in honor our Lord and savior's birthday. So why not get a game that lets you crank up some Pokemon toys and have them fight in a battle royale death match. In this game the Pokemon actually do die. So just be careful, because you'll ruin the game for everyone if Pikachu dies. 

4. Mrs Wubby Pokemon card. (Link) One of the rarest and definitely the most confusing and pedofilia inducing cards ever printed. Fans of all ages screamed in outrage when this one-of-a-kind non-Pokemon, Pokemon card was printed. Not only is it blasphemous, but it is incredibly overpowered. 200HP with no previous evolution necessary? A smile that stuns 100% of the time!? A CHICHI GUN!!?!?!?! CHRIST! If you really want to tear up the pro-circuit this season, get 3 of these in your deck. Act now, because after this report, I imagine record sales will shortly follow. (Tubby wubby ain't too bad either.)

Raising the Debt Seaking

There has been a lot of talk recently about the raising of the debt-Seaking, so I thought this would be a good time to explain its significance in the the process of financial responsibility in the United States.

In 1929, the stock market crashed causing millions of people to lose their jobs, homes, and even their Pokemon. Pokecenters closed down, shops were empty, and crops destroyed. It was a difficult time for all. However one positive thing did some out of it, The Debt Seaking.

When things were at their darkest, and it looked like the United States would run out of usable Pokemon and black-out, a wave began in the Atlantic Ocean. Now, obviously many waves begin in the Atlantic Ocean everyday, but this one was special. It was caused by a Seaking, and he came bearing the gift of debt forgiveness.

On the shore of New York City a giant Seaking splashed up and dove into the metropolis, destroying many buildings, killing trainers, and bringing a terrible flood in it's wake. However, as that wave conquered the land, it dragged with it gold coins. Millions and millions of gold coins. The stock market flooded with gold, people were able to pay banks to get their homes back, and everyone was 100% perfect. Then, the Seaking flopped around until it retired back into the ocean.

Today, we have just seen that the government has voted to "Raise the Debt-Seaking" again. Scientists are currently hard at work trying to locate the beautiful beast and request it's forgiveness again. So now we must wait for the horned sea-angel to rid us of our filth and protect us from the one thing that plagues every trainer... a total black-out.

Monster Manual: Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur

After a lot of positive feedback from the Dungeons and Dragonites post I had a few weeks back, I decided to stat out some more monsters for Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition. May the Dungeon Masters Rejoice! I started where any respectable trainer would, 001. Bulbasaur. The following document contains stat blocks, tactics, and monster knowledge checks for Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, and Venusaur. Time to get fucked.

Update: Changed the Poison Powder from targeting Will to Fortitude. Thanks Dick Lickowski for that catch.

Download the Pokedex Entries!

Art Fair Follies

Above is an accurate portrayal of my attitude and expression during the recent Ann Arbor Art Fair. Working at my coffee shop in the eye of the storm, I saw a lot of real dumb shit. I've classified them as Pokemon sightings in order to complete your Pokedex.

Jynx: There are literally hundreds of this fool. Often wearing a really floppy sunhat, a white shirt with a graphic print that would suggest they have vacationed somewhere in our glorious state of Michigan, and a weathered pair of walking shoes. The conversation usually started with them not understanding what making a drink "iced" actually meant, or if I could make it "decaf" unless that was "too weird." The conversation always ended the same way. "Do you have any lids?" OF COURSE WE HAVE LIDS! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ANYWHERE BEFORE!? HOW COULD WE NOT HAVE LIDS!? IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR LIDS THEY ARE AT A CONDIMENT BAR! LIKE THEY ARE AT EVERY OTHER EATING ESTABLISHMENT EVER!

Munchlax: This little number stumbled in and ordered a smoothie. While a bother to make, I didn't mind since we weren't busy. So she follows me to the smoothie making station where she proceeds to talk to me while I'm running back and forth so I can't really hear her. The only comprehendible muttering I can hear is "yum!" when I add a new ingredient to the blender. Finally as I'm pouring it into the cup for her, she loses her cool and exclaims "Yummy in my tummy!" I then made a successful run away and cracked up in the kitchen area. I let the Munchlax get away, but probably for the best.

Unown: These weren't customers. These were actually just the shitty pieces of lawn-art-on-a-stick that each elderly couple had recently purchased. I can't wait to see how it really livens up their suburbia yards.

Dodrio: This rare breed ran all the way from Italy. First they argue about how many "spresso" and "gubuchino" they are getting, then proceed to fight over the bill while my line piles up. Typically I just grab whoever's money is the closest forcefully, and tell them "OK BYE" and start looking at the next customer. They aren't tipping either way, so fuck'em all.

Loudred: SOMEONE GET THESE SCREAMING CHILDREN OUT OF THE CAFE BEFORE I PUMP THEM SO FULL OF CAFFEINE YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT! NOT EVEN THEIR "POKEMEN" ON THEY "HAND BOYS" WILL BE ABLE TO DIVERT THEIR ATTENTION FROM A BOUNCY SOFA OR "THING THAT MAKES NOISE REAL LOUD."

/rant

This Week in Deviant Art Pokemon Cosplay II

This past weekend was the Anime Expo 2011 at the Los Angeles Convention Center, a huge event for Pokemon cosplay. Lets look at some of the winners and losers of this past week via Deviant Art. In last place is this Dodrio. Wait... what? Just looks like some fucked up hair thing to me.

#5. Misty. No red suspenders? No care. Try actually watching the show. COME ON!

 #4. Raichu. Again... wut? I'm lost. So lost. Help me. Oh god, please help me.

 #3. Jolteon. A real good mascot costume of an OG Eevee evolution. Got the paws up like a little dog and everything. Excellent choice of material too. So many costumes just end up using shitty jersey fabric, but this is a great pointy fur for a Jolteon. Smashing job, baby.

#2. Squirtle Squad Squritle. The costume overall could use some touch-ups, but the idea behind it is flawless. The tail also looks like a droopy penis. But hey, I get it. I'm in the know. I know how the kids do these days. 

#1. Dorio. Now this is an amazing Dodrio! A feathering top. Two awesome heads that are incredibly well-made. The eyes on all three heads are accurate. It's amazing. Light years above the one I already showed. The stupid head looks so stupid! I'm mad at the angry head! And she is as joyful as I am looking at her!